I have returned

After turning all my posts into the 'draft' section because I planned not to use this anymore, I now find myself back here, and sticking to being Ello Bucket - I considered using my real name but there really are an awful lot of 'odd' ones out there, and as I'm not selling anything, or promoting myself - as such - I've decided to stick to this. There will be some people out there who will know it's mean but as for the rest of the world, well, they won't have a clue.

Apparently, according to my brother, my reasoning for having so many different domains registered to me - I really do have a lot as I used to be known by a different nickname and would use that for everything, until I realised the person who named me it was a vile, nasty, manipulative narcissist so I chose to delete that version of me from the history records purely because I did not wish to be associated with him any more - believes that I have ADHD. I have laughed at, and scoffed at him for saying such a thing, however, having just typed out this paragraph I believe he may actually be onto something! As if. 

He believes it to be because I have a habit of getting a good idea in my head, talk about things I want to do and off I go. Whether it be creating resin items, a cross-stitch, or keeping my blogs up-to-date (I have another, Curious Claud, if you're interested in all things paranormal and which go 'bump' in the night). He says I have all good intentions of keeping on top of these things yet never do. I don't just get an idea to try something either, I go and purchase anything and everything needed to be able to create. I have several drawers filled with silicon moulds, and bottles of resin - environmentally friendly ones - stored in cupboards all over. Personally, I actually think he is barking up the wrong tree.

Yes, my school reports all used to say I was 'easily distracted'. This had nothing to do with anything other than the fact I wasn't interested in what they were teaching me. I didn't want to be sat in a classroom with a load of other kids, many of whom I didn't like, learning about something that meant absolutely diddly squat to me - am I allowed to say that anymore, now that knobhead bloke has a farm and TV show named it? - and why would I give anything my attention if I don't want to know about it? Different when chatting to people in my shop on a face-to-face basis. I'm not interested in half of what they tell me but I'm a professional running a small business and will listen attentively while they ramble on. I have no choice really, it's part of my job; in school though I had the choice not to listen. 

My reports would also say I 'could do better'. Of course I could be again, why would I want to do better when I had no interest? If they'd let me do Woodwork for a subject, as I wanted to, then those reports may have said I was 'amazing' and will make a great carpenter. If they'd let me learn German - the year after me were allowed to choose between French or German, then I may not being able to speak another language. 

Yes, it is true that coffee, and any caffeinated drink, makes me sleepy - apparently this is a sign of ADHD - however, I've heard of many people it affects in the same way, and I think I've just built up a resistance to it over the years. 

As for starting things and never finishing them. In my defence, sometimes half-way through I get bored. I have one section left of a cross-stitch I started back in 2010 (which I planned to complete by 2011) still left to do but I got to a section where every-other-stitch was a different colour and got bored with keep changing cotton. I did plan to sit in the garden and finally finish it this year but it seems to have vanished off the face of the earth (I think my Mum thought the bag it was in was rubbish and threw it out) so for now it remains unfinished, and most likely will until the end of time. 

Regarding the resin, photography and keeping my blogs, Instagram and other social media up together I have a perfectly reasonable argument for those. I work ten-hour days four times each week on top of six hour days twice a week. When I'm not at work I am caring for my elderly Mum who is practically blind and has spinal arthritis. Aside from her popping the washing on for us, I run the house as well. By the time I finally get some time to myself it's gone 10pm; I have to then shower and get myself to bed ready to be back in work by 06:30 the next morning. My only day off - if I'm lucky and don't have a mountain of funeral work to get out on a Monday morning - is a Sunday at which point I have to work my way through a list of jobs that need doing in the house. I also have to ensure I get my Mum out of the house for a couple of hours each week, or she'd be stuck inside house-bound 24/7. How I'm then supposed to partake in any of my hobbies, or interests is beyond me. The only reason I am tapping away on a keyboard now is because I'm ignoring the piles of rubbish around me at work, and the crap I need to sort - it can wait until tomorrow - and I sat down to read an email, found myself getting distracted and remembered I still had this blog. 

If my Dad was still alive or Mum had met someone else, if I'd not met and trusted the wankspangles who screwed me over financially in my younger years, if I had a partner or husband who could afford for me not to work then who knows how different my life may be, but those are a lot of 'ifs'. For now I'll just accept that I don't have time, won't punish myself for not getting things done and will hop on-and-off here when I can spare the time. I am also fully aware that any day my Mum could spend her last as a living being on this planet. When that day comes I'll have so much time on my hands which I will spend wishing I could have her back.